Day 31

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Sweetheart--

I have no idea when you stopped by, I'm so confused. Your message said Thurs., 1:29 am, but I'm assuming it meant Wed., since today is Thurs. But we didn't turn out the light until... oh, you must have come like one minute after Naomi turned out the light, but I was up. I was pretending to read for an hour while she distracted me with silly scenarios for even longer. She's real stressed out and grasping at anything to talk about all the time. I feel bad walking around the room with nothing to do. Except when I got back from your room yesterday, there was a message from my boss at the World Hunger Program. I haven't talked to her yet, but I'm so scared. I don't know what she'll say to me. She would never call me unless it's important, it's beneath her. So nervous. You bet we have a date on Friday. I can't wait. By then I should be packed, laundry done, errands completed, etc. I hope your studying is going well. I wish I had seen you last night when you stopped by. If you need a hug tonight, let me know. I'll be sitting around, worrying about you. Sandy gave me a present - a goodbye present. She's really too much. It's a lacrosse shirt from her highschool, Moses Brown. I actually really like it, though I've never been to Moses Brown and I don't even know the rules of Lacrosse. We both have this thing with athletic clothes -- we don't have any -- and she has this thing with her alma mater. It borders psychosis. We went to see the Truth about Cats and Dogs last night. Good flick. I really like that Jeanine woman (lead actress) She's hysterically funny. The movie was incredibly sweet and romantic, and ends well. That's always a nice thing, as long as you're in the mood. I was in the mood. I drank an entire large fruit punch by the time the opening credits were running. All in all, a good experience.

I feel so weird, you know? Like I'm done, but I'm not, but I am. This project will indeed be the death of me because I've turned it into some ridiculously large nemesis. It lives. It is alive. Anyway, I think you know the feeling. Except I'm a little more of a baby about it. But I think the real thing is that it hasn't hit me that technically I could leave right now. I'm sorry, we'll talk about this later. You don't want to hear this sort of babble.

I just sold back like 10 books or something from last year and last semester. I got 21.75 for them. Not bad, considering who we're dealing with here. But I couldn't pawn my Genetics book. I just want that stupid text out of my life. Like I'll be 30 or something, be sitting around my house, and suddenly not be able to remember the stages of meiosis. It'll haunt me. I won't be able to concentrate on prime-time tv. I won't be able to brush my teeth. I'll be plagued. Then, suddenly, I'll remember my semester of hell in genetics. I'll run to the garage, basement, attic, whatever, I don't have the floorplans, and tear through the boxes from college. I'll find the text book with the rat on it, lift it up in jubilation, in triumph, flip through the well-worn (not) pages and find the so-loved diagrams I need. Satisfaction. Like that will ever happen. But the woman at the counter seemed to think it might. "You'd be better off keeping it", and in the daze that is my existence of late, I nodded and thanked her, and left. Putz. I need a backbone. However, I realized when I left that I had taken her pen with me. Ah, sweet revenge.

I also deposited some money in my account. Basically, I borrowed money from myself to pay my debts. Curious concept. My credit card is going to max out on me, and then where will I go to get the money to pay what I owe? God, I'm a financial retard. Not like I don't understand the concepts. No, I've got the idea of a checking account pretty much down. You can only take out what you've already put in. That's pretty simple. I also understand the credit card: you can't charge forever, at some point, one must pay the minimum required payments. This, too, simple. I must have some sort of mental block. I don't want to succeed in my personal finances. The burden of success is too much, to fail is to remain the young child I once was, when I was happy, therefore, I deliberately jeopardize financial security and remain vulnerable, irresponsible, someone who needs to be taken care of. Further, when we take into account my oedipal tendencies... no. Forget the psycho babble. I'm just lazy, I think.That, and numbers scare me. So now I'm heading back to my room, to bathe, and to begin work on my ____. Sorry, I think if I say that word one more time Satan will actually be conjured up in the CIT. Give me a call or write back if you have time. I'm sending you all my energy so that you can get this done pronto. See you soon, my love

lizzie