Day 19

angel dust

I'm wondering where you are because I'm about to loose it in the CIT and seeing you could really help. I don't know why I'm so shaky but I'm about to cry and I haven't cried in months except for Thurs. night when those people were so awful, and then a little tiny bit later that night when you were saying nice things to me. I need to do so many things tonight but the Rock is so crowded and I'm so unable to make rational decisions and what's wrong with me. It feels like people are staring again. It's snowing out. I'm so stressed out about my article tomorrow because I can't seem to find anything out about the candidates because the computers and the crowds are against me. It's so simple, why can't I do this? I feel like I'm going to mess it up. I can't ask a question, nevermind ask anything of a candidate I know nothing about. I'm kidding myself and everyone else. I need to get out of here really soon. Are you going to be home tonight, Sebastian? My play's due this week and obviously it will be shit not worth looking at. I'm complaining again but this time I feel kind of crazy and there's nowhere I can go to cry, I feel like I need to cry, but there's someone everywhere. Even now there are people all around and they're looking over my shoulder. I have these weird dizzy spells. Did you have an awful or a nice weekend? Will you tell me all about it? Did you miss your Mom and home? I had a nice time, as predicted, but I missed you and I thought about you a lot. I just reread your last e-mails, the ones I forwarded from your room the other night, and they are so nice. Even though you felt like shit, they were so nice. Did you know I save all your e-mails? One day I'll have a songbook with all the lyrics you send me. I brought you some chocolate. Happy Easter, Sebastian.


ps -- will you call me tonight? I think I'd really, really, like to talk to you, at least. If I had my way, I'd be in your room waiting for you and then we'd spend a leisurely evening together trading worries and smoothing them away, but I don't have my way.