Worst I Can Think Of

Stan Cook

NOTE: Throughout the performance, there need to be neon signs that light up when appropriate, visible to the Viewers. The signs will be in big capital letters, and say things like "IRONY," "METAPHOR," "FORESHADOWING," and "THIS IS IMPORTANT."

Alright, I tried writing a bunch of Masks as well as I can, time to make the worst! As follows:

There are two characters. One is telling the other of all the things he wants to do, but doesn't ever do them. He makes a bunch of 'blanket statements' and finishes each with "But instead I'm just sitting here." The blanket statements could sound like:

"I'm thirsty, I should buy a Quik-E POP or a Coke. But instead I'm just sitting here."

"I'm tired, I should jack into NapSpace. But instead I'm just sitting here."

"My mother is lonely, her MindFeed jack is broken. I should talk to my mother. But instead I'm just sitting here."

The other character, meanwhile, listens attentively. Occasionally he says "That would be a great idea!" or "Yes you should!" or something to that effect.

some suggested blanket statements.

After about 27-42 minutes of this, the B character stops agreeing with A and declares that they are in fact, twins, and not men, but horses.

"Horses?!" declares A, "Why, that's absurd! Naaaaay!"

A and B do horse impressions for about 55 minutes. The "METAPHOR" sign lights up. Every 11 minutes, their scenes look like they come to a close and the lights will slightly dim, before one of them decides to jack up the rhythm once again and give it 'one more go.' The "THIS IS IMPORTANT" sign must go crazy here.

After the Viewers are thoroughly bored, and we have achieved the Worst Work status on a meta level, we can make this bad in a non-tedious way. B turns back into a man and says "Well, I'm back to a man, but you are still a horse. It's time to ride you," and he rides A into the Sunset.

But wait! There's more! The sun they are running towards is not the sun at all, but a great fire from a war zone they accidentally enter, where ethnic cleansing is taking place! Sounds of war are playing in the background when the two characters gallop to a firing range, where an Evil Smoking Man with a German/Russian/Arab Accent is firing at people one-by-one. The people yell one final statement before they are shot, things to the effect of

"Pity Me! I have more STD's than fingers and toes!" BANG! Dead.

"Tell Tiny Tim I won't make it for Christmas this year!" BANG! Dead.

"Rosebud!" BANG! Dead.

After final POW is shot, Evil Smoking German-Russian-Arab Commie-Nazi-Islamofascist laughs heartily... until the zombies of the Unfortunate Dead rise and avenge themselves. The horses help. A musical number ensues. It snows.

After the song, Evil German-Russian-Arab Commie-Nazi-Islamofascist reveals himself to be the parent of the original horse-people. They share a tender moment. At the height of the tender moment, all characters onstage die as Tyrannosaurus Rexes in F-14's bomb the Masking Performance Area.

With all the cadavers onstage, an old man in a wheelchair pushes himself out to center, and looks the Viewers directly in the eyes. He finally proclaims "War is wrong!!!" A Native American joins him, sheds a single tear, and the lights dim to the sound of babies crying.


(Stan's Note: I get a bit of a rise thinking how the end of this almost looks like the end of my first piece ^_^)