In 2012, years after the graduation of the only person who was ever legitimately a member of both the pirates and the ninja (at various later times students attempted to infiltrate one group as a spy for the other, but in most cases this resulted in either a slow and painful or quick and unpredicted death, depending on who was doing the killing), the ninja and pirates experienced a great schism from which they would never recover. Under the leadership of Sober-Viper-Strike-From-Darkest-Cover-Of-Night-Shadow, the ninja made it their express goal to remove all alcohol from campus, hoping that students would then drink tea instead and discuss ways to solve the various problems of the world on the weekends instead of getting drunk. This did not fly well for the pirates. Not well at all. After the ninja raided the pirates’ infamous St. Patrick’s Day party and stole hundreds of dollars of booze, the pirates swore eternal enmity and gave the ninja the proverbial black spot. Except they did it for real, instead of proverbially.

That same night, the half-drunk pirates raided the room of every single ninja whose identity had accidentally slipped out, searching for their missing assorted drinks and causing several thousand dollars worth of ninja and campus property in the process. But they found nothing, for the ninja had poured every last drop down the sink and disposed of the bottles in the proper recycling receptacles. This day, henceforth known affectionately to pirates as “bloody rumday” marked the end of peaceful relations and the beginning of all-out warfare between the two ensembles.

From “Bloody Rumday” on, the pirates cared less and less about singing and having a good time and more and more about fighting the ninja and everything they stood for. Revealing ninja secret identities became a signifier of a great victory, and it would not be long before this poor ninja would find his name, picture, and even on several occasions, effigy hung around campus. The pirates also made every effort to keep the alcohol flowing and the parties bouncing. They quickly formed alliances with the frats and DPS, both of whom developed systems to warn the pirates of suspicious ninja behavior.

Meanwhile, the ninja, a rapidly growing presence on campus, were making every effort to foil the pirates’ plans and ruin their parties. Sensing that the average college student cared more about partying than his classes, they made an honest effort to keep academics at the front of every student’s mind.

Though the pirates and ninja hated each other with the rage of a thousand cattle in a contemporary Southwestern ranch being scorched with a new brand as fast as their deed slipped from one hand to another, which was almost every day thanks to the hyper-inflating economy, the two Brown groups probably would have continued in the same vein as they had were it not for for two factors: WebCT and the collapse of the American Government.

To Cyberspace Web! To Pirates! To Ninja!