|I derived pleasure precisely from the blinding realization
of my degradation; because I felt I was already against the wall;
that it was horrible but couldn't be otherwise; that there was no way out and it was no
longer possible to make myself into a different person; that even if there were still
enough time and faith to become different, I wouldn't want to change myself; and that,
even if I wanted to, I still wouldn't have done anything about, because, actually, there
wasn't anything to change into.