I derived pleasure precisely from the blinding realization of my degradation; because I felt I was already against the wall; that it was horrible but couldn't be otherwise; that there was no way out and it was no longer possible to make myself into a different person; that even if there were still enough time and faith to become different, I wouldn't want to change myself; and that, even if I wanted to, I still wouldn't have done anything about, because, actually, there wasn't anything to change into.