Just spent the entire night crying because I realized how much I really do love Him and He couldn't return the emotion. He doesn't love me and I have to accept it. You can't make someone love you so what I want to know is how did this all happen. I am so starved, so needy for love and there isn't anywhere left to search for it but in this square desert made of concrete and iron and covered on all sides by high walls, barbed wire, and guards who are just waiting for a chance to kill, to use the guns that lay dormant on their hip. I keep telling myself that everything will be OK when He joins me here in this desert, so that it will be our desert, and him in me again. I want Him, I need Him more than I've ever needed anything before.
But what is it really? Is it him or is it something, anything? Its like the people are interchangeable, I just crave the feeling of someone next to me, someone to hold onto at that moment. Am I mistaking the neediness and the fulfillment of that need, for love? I've just always been so willing to give anything for someone to fill the void that I feel inside like a constant dull ache that resides in my stomach and slowly eats away at my fervor, my dignity, and my sanity. I need people to like me--that's the only thing that makes me happy--God that's sick. As the days between the last time I saw Him or felt His sweet touch grows, I begin to realize that He is not everything. It just seemed that way. I wish that I had a second chance, so that all of my neediness could finally become love.