There is this motif in the genre of homosexual literature where there is this narcisistic twinning of the gay protagonist such that the gay character falls in love with himself. However, with me, the twinning effect is not so much of a result of a love with myself, but rather, a product of my surroundings. I am only allowed to be a certain way in certain situations. And rather than feeling a self love, there is a degree of self-loathing. I realize that I will never be able to love another Asian male. Not because I don't find him attractive, but it's just too eerie, like looking in the mirror and remembering all of the pain and fear and just shit that came along with being asian and being gay.