When you exist after someone else's death, someone you loved and will continue to love, there are two main stages of reality that transform beside you.
The first is disallusionment. You are lost to the world of illusions and time is all you can hope for as you wish for salvation.The next is the stage where you fear for the self-sacrifice that you have made in the time to come. You want to demand that the unconscious fores within you would burst out, in full strength, and set you free. You want to seek and find reality from within.
What does Jam say?