USA Tomorrow

The country's most useless news source

Boy found dead, body mutilated

INDIANAPOLIS - 19-year old Stan Cook was found dead yesterday in Towlson Media Rehabilitation Clinic, just 20 miles from his home in Anderson, Indiana. He had just graduated Stage 2 Education and records suggest he applied for a Geographical Transfer Visa and was denied.

The details of his death are confusing authorities as to whether this was a murder, suicide, or assisted suicide. His body was found in such a mutilated, destitute state that many are unlikely to believe he could have committed the acts of violence on himself. The primary evidence for suicide is a note, found next to his body that suggests his knowledge of his coming death. While the note may have been left by a murderer, cryptanalysts from the Indianapolis State Police have checked the Digital Signature that verifies that he was the author.

The note simply says, "I am who?" Below it is the name and biography Basil Montag, professor of Entertainment Matter at Ball State University, copied verbatim from the school's InfoSite.

Montag, as well as Cook's surviving mother declined to comment as of press time. His body recapsulation and departing services were held two hours after the body's discovery.

Talkback! You have a voice!

litterbugy124 writes

sick f***er. bet u he did it hmslf

sANDmAN1009 writes

why at the rehab center?

ARTURO writes


NubianNut writes

whether it was him or someone else this is pretty sick. usa tomorrow can't publish the details, but check out how his body was actually found. yuckers.

ilcapitano writes

another Spazmoid without a life...


UI also interviewed his mom about it. he seems to have been pretty active there.

F4nBoy writes

Why isn't USA Tomorrow covering the PS9 launch?